Sunday, September 13, 2009

Naked Girls

Oh ye of hearty blog-whatever, welcome to the truth of my non-partying existence. Let it be known (doesn't that sound poshy and sort of lawyer like?) that my anniversary and birthday celebrations were. . . . . . .o.k.. Ahhhh, the "burning brown paper bag filled with dog poop on the front porch" week-end. Yes, the anticipation felt when the door bell rings, only to have to stomp out a feces fire. This is metaphorical.
Do you want details? Of course you do. Here it goes:
Cute Hubby came down with the cold of the century just in time for the festivities. Our anniversary was a quiet night spent at home with him sleeping on the sofa, or sitting around in a daze apologizing for being sick. Dear man. Honestly, truly adorable. Not that I minded, I was glad to have some rest after "the day of h*ll" dealing with utility companies on the phone. The highlights being that my internet died for most of the day, I found out that my company had not taken out ANY federal taxes all year, I was given the work schedule from hades for the following week, my hair would not stop doing the "brillo dance", I farted in front of the UPS guy, and I think my carpeting has come down with a permanent case of "smell-like-dog-o-site-us". Let it be known that I do not own a dog, nor did I blush or apologize to the UPS guy.
The highlight of my birthday was the visit from my youngest daughter, who loves me and displays unbounded affection towards me in spite of the fact that I'm always running around the house too fast for her to focus on me. She arrived with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates, and left with a headache, looking fabulous the entire time.
Cute Hubby took me out in the morning and bought me the coolest camera on the planet (Fuji digital). There were choices, an awesome new-age green Sanyo & a lipstick red Kodak, but I went for the "spy" camera with a faster shutter speed. Very thin, very black & chrome. He totally rocks, and knew I needed a camera of my own for fashion posts (stop laughing).
Sounds great, right? Ah, but this was the day that my grand daughter picked to transform from my angel of light into Babyzilla. She brought her fine tuned talent of throwing things and piercing our eardrums with screams to "the table", wasn't that nice of her? Cute Hubby had the brilliant idea of playing "Rock & Roll Swindle" on his guitar to distract her, which was awesome. I was exhausted. During this unforgettable hulabaloo, the telephone never stopped ringing with well wishes from loved ones wanting to chat up yours truly on her "special" day.
In reflection, I will tell you that I am truly blessed. My life is full and busy. It doesn't stop for anything, not anniversary's or birthday's. Yes, I know I've been whiny and complaining, but I also see the light in all of this. I could be spending my days a little quieter, sure. But at 51, I could still out run you, yes you. With my brillo hair blowing in the breeze as I sprint past the "perfectly lined lipsticked beauty queens", running after Babyzilla.
Thank you so much for all of your well wishes. And for those of you who called me up when you were really drunk, Phlewwwww! (yeah, you know who you are)
As a final note, if I've forgotten to mention anything, I'm blaming it on menopause.

Love & Lollipops, xo diane


Dooder City said...

Happy belated birthday. I am so happy you had a great weekend. I am so glad when women talk about their farts (I know that sounds weird). I let them go in random places and kind of have no shame about it. Also, I have brillo hair too. I have learned to love my hair especially lately. The dye made it that much more brilloer (new word I just created).

mo.stoneskin said...

Thanks for being so understanding, man-colds are truly terrible things and we really do suffer tremendously.

The Peach Tart said...

I haven't been on the internet for a few days so missed your birthday. Belated Happy Birthday and so glad you enjoyed it. Sounds wonderful.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I don't know where to begin....

You farted in front of the UPS guy. All I could think is "What can brown do for you?" Ha ha ha, he he he! I'm glad you didn't apologize! Now he knows you're human!

You could out-run me! You are wonderful!

Hope your week ahead ROCKS and you take lots of pictures for your blog with your new camera!

Congrats on your new camera!


The Fabulous Girl said...

happy b-day to u 2. wow i did not know our b-days are so close together. i wish u a wonderful year!

Cait said...

Oh, the joy of it. Sounds quirky delightful. I especially, love the part about farting in front of the UPS man.

I hope cute hubby is better.

drollgirl said...

well happy belated birthday!

i love the way you write. you have a great attitude and it just comes shining through your writing. life has many ups and downs, and you seem to handle them very well.

may 51 be your best year to date. :)

p.s. thank you for being so supportive and such a good friend. things are tough right now for me, but they are already getting a little bit better, and i know things will be ok. maybe something better lies around the corner for me. i kind of think so and i just need to keep that in mind. :)

Prunella Jones said...

I'm glad you didn't apologize to the UPS guy. Screw it! Who can help but fart around them with all that brown everywhere.

I know you could def outrun me. I whine like a baby if I have to walk for five minutes.

diane said...

Dooder: I like your new word. Can I steal it?

Mo.: Men are big babies when they're sick. I think it's because they're so used to feeling strong.

Peachy: Thank you honey, I know what a busy girl you are. Up at 6?

Tracey: Had I known that farting would have gotten such a positive reaction, I might have done that sooner.

Mina: Most of my blogger buddies are September babies, I didn't plan that.

Cait: I'll pass that on to Cute Hubby. Thanks sweetie.

Drolly: Remember how you said I'm one of the few people who "gets" you sometimes? Well, the same goes for you. You are one of the few people who knows how important the writing aspect is to me, I'm a fr*ging Erma Bombeck.
I'm glad you're starting to feel better. Keep your close friends even closer right now. You'll be alright. xo

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

OK, hands down that was the funniest post I've read today. You ROCK! Oh, and Happy (belated) Birthday and Anniversary to you!

And now I'm laughing hysterically at Green-Eyed Monster's comment - and can't explain 'why' to Princess Nagger which makes it even more of course my well thought-out comment has dispersed to the winds... :)

diane said...

Stacy: Just so you know, Princess Nagger was my inspiration for Babyzilla. I love your stories too. xo

Mr. Charleston said...

With all the stuff that goes on in you girl's lives, I can't imagine why The Guiding Light is going off the air. They just have to turn it into a reality TV program and follow you around... although, they might get more than they bargained for following Peach.

diane said...

Mr. Charleston: Hahaha, I think I love you.

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday!

Marian said...

darling what an epic rundown of your anniversary and birthday. It had me in tears of laughter!!!

how hilarious are you, your writing is wonderful.

I loved the bit about your daughter leaving with a headache but arriving with the flowers & choccies but looking fab all the while.

one question?
Pray tell, did the UPS guy blush? :O)

Happy belated birthday honey! Wishing you many more to come.
You look nothing close to 51 at all...

hugs and kisses

Cait said...

Thanks for the note. Sometimes, I think its an on going battle with the one you love and the unpredictable stuff that comes with it. Just when you think you know where you're going and thinking you know don't.

Miss Yvonne said...

I bet you totally made the UPS man's day. He probably went home and his wife was all "Hi honey, how was your day?" and he was all "Oh, you know...typical boring driving and delivering until this one lady totally farted in front of me. Laughed for hours was awesome!".

So yeah. Good job.

Fragrant Liar said...

Hey, happy birthday, girl!

Good for you. No apologies. What for?

JennyMac said...

Happy belated bday!

diane said...

Cait: It gets better when you get older, not so unpredictable.

Choo, Fragrant Liar, and Jenny Mac: Thank you. xo

Marian: It's only funny in retrospect, like most things.

Miss Yvonne: You're a riot, I had never thought of that. I should make other people's day more often, in that case.

Girl Interrupted said...

Woah! Sounds like one heck of a day! Rotten luck that Cute Hubby got struck with a nasty cold, but it sounds like you still managed to have a good, if hectic, day :)

Congrats on your anniversary! (also belated ... sorry :/) xx