Sunday, November 1, 2009

Husband Banned From Target

This story was passed on to me:

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 2: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.


ModernMom said...

LOL I think he would make everyone shopping eperience more interesting!

Marian said...

this is brilliant honey! made me laugh till i cried honey!!
hahhahah he definately made shopping super interesting,what with all his exploits!
what a list of naughty adventures hahhhaa
bet he knew it was the best way off getting out of the tedious task of shopping.
how are you dear?have a fab sunday honey

diane said...

ModernMom: If Cute Hubby had done that, there would be h*ll to pay.

Marian: Your comments always make me feel warm & fuzzy. You called me honey 3 times.
I'm glad I could make you laugh. Have a nice relaxed Sunday honey. xo

Miss Yvonne said...

I'm never showing this to my husband. Don't want to give him any ideas.

Gary Heller said...

Coool. I always did the old alarm clock thing and sometimes the tomato juice trail, but never tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway. There is something i'll have to add to the mix.
Loved it,.

Prunella Jones said...

Lol, this guy sounds like my dream man!

JFK Jean said...

Sounds like a guy I need to carry with me when I go grocery shopping. Maybe I'll never have to pay again!!

diane said...

Miss Yvonne: He might have a few of his own to add to the list.

Gary: The M&M one is great and silly, good choice for you.

Pru: Maybe your dream man is stalking the aisles of Target. What a cute place to meet someone, go for it!

diane said...

JFK Jean: You criminal mastermind you.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Oh My God, that's the funniest thing I've read in a long, long, time. Thanks for sharing this Diane!!

I wonder why our Target doesn't have guns. Hmmmm?

diane said...

Tracey: Here's another question: Why does Target carry guns? Hope I'm not opening up a brand new can of worms here. I'm for the people arming themselves. I just don't understand why you can buy weapons at the same store where you can buy diapers.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Both my husband and I laughed out loud at this one Diane. Thanks for sharing.

Isabel said...

Hahaha, this is freaking genius!

drollgirl said...

bahahah!!!! i could imagine a LOT of men getting inspired by this post!!!!

Dominica said...

hahahahahahaha I have to admit, #1, I did too before !!
You should see the face (do it to a couple) of the guy and then trying to explain his wife !!
Daddy's going to be a naughty boy then !!
Foei foei !!

XAVS said...

hahaha, brilliant!!!!!

mich said...

Joanna: That's a double hit of laughter, awesome.

Isa: Takes one to know one.

Drolly: Hmmmm, hadn't thought of that, maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

Domi: Who would ever suspect you? How funny of you to try that!

XAVS: Now don't get any ideas from this, o.k.?

diane said...

CRAP! I just commented from Cute Hubby's profile again. ERRRRGGGHHH!!!

Jack Daniel said...

I've never heard of Target and Googled for it after reading this looks like a huge dutch supermarket to me! But I know it's not.

Is this really true Diane? It's too funny!! :P

diane said...

JD: Yes, you are right, unfortunately these types of stores are all over the world now. They are driving the local merchants out of business.
I don't know if the story is true, it was passed on to me. I'm glad you enjoyed it. xo

Jocelyn said...

Bahahahahaha. I would love to watch this guy in Target...but hate to live with him.

diane said...

Jocelyn: I agree. He sounds like fun at a distance.

JFK Jean said...

Its the NY'er in me Diane. Blame it on Bloomberg!!

Trooper Thorn said...

Now he just rides the carts in the parking lot shouting "wheeeeee!"

miriam said...

haha, is this for real?

diane said...

JFK Jean: Yeah, you can take the New Yorker out of New York, but you can't take the New York out of the New Yorker.
(does that make sense?)

Trooper Thorn: Dats a good von!

miriam: I don't know.

abby jenkins said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA that is the best. I could just see him like the pied piper drawing all the kids to the camping department. hahahahahha