Sunday, January 31, 2010

This Post Might Offend Good People

When I was a kid, I had a friend, we'll call him Baby Huey, who turned out to be gay. Baby Huey told his teacher that a big black bird swooped down and took his homework on the way to school. The whole school was talking about it, so I decided to ask him if he really said it. It was the stupidest thing that I had ever heard. It was so stupid, in fact, that it was brilliant. We started laughing about it, and didn't stop laughing for an hour. That was the beginning of one very silly friendship.
One day while we were investigating the grounds of a local church, we discovered that the back door was unlocked. Naturally, we immediately went inside, because we were innocent. Neither one of us had ever been "backstage" before. We got to see the kitchen where the priest and nuns had their snacks. Their lounge. It was all pretty drab. Then we went into the main part of the church. There was a little cart with little cups of wine on it. There were also little crackers. Baby Huey knew more about this stuff than me. He said it was part of a ritual where they drink the blood of Christ and eat his body. "Wow" I thought. "Not so drab after all".
It was somewhere after our 5th little cup of wine that the priest walked in. We didn't notice him at first. Baby Huey made a run for it. I was left alone. Thankful for all of the episodes of The FBI that I had watched, I proceeded to give false information. Then the priest let me go, and said that he would be around to talk to my parents. I felt a twinge of remorse. I felt worse for the kids whose parents were going to get a visit.
Later on, I met up with my ever brilliant partner in crime, and he told me that he had been waiting outside of the church, wondering what had happened to me. Because he did not think to hide, the priest saw him after I left, and so he was caught. He DID NOT watch The FBI evidently. He gave our real names.

I was grounded for a month. Baby Huey's parents threatened him with military school. We laughed our heads off about it for years.

20 comments:

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Sounds a lot like what I was doing as a kid.

You'll never believe me but I can't tell a lie about something so silly as the word verification.

It's, cults.

No lie!

Hugs!!

jess said...

That was awesome. :)

blueviolet said...

I know none of us were supposed to be up to these no good adventures we went through...but I swear they're the best memories!!!!

Mr. Charleston said...

Don't see how any "good" people could be offended by this. Seems to me the "good" people were in the story.

Life With Dogs said...

If that is offensive I dare not share my childhood troublemaking experiences. :)

Joanna Jenkins said...

I was such a wimp as a kid. I never did cool stuff like that.

Great story Diane.

jj

Dominica said...

hahahaha great story !!

Eternally Distracted said...

What a fabulous story... I love Baby Huey and am off now to catch up on some FBI stories!!

miriam (Björn Borg) said...

oh, that was brilliant. more bedtime stories please!

Vic said...

I knew you were a badass all along, Diane!

I was afraid Baby Huey wasn't going to make it out of the church without a little personal time, ahem, with the priest.

I've been listening to too much talk radio again.

diane said...

Tracey: Cults? that's weird.

Jess: Thanks.

Blueviolet: I don't know about you, but I was sweating bullets.

Mr. C: We were basically good kids. Just a little naughty now and again.

Life with Dogs: Were you an instigator?

Joanna: Kids like you made the best friends, because you made us heroes in your eyes.

Domi: Thanks.

ED: The FBI series was awesome. Terrible acting, fast cars, and tons of stories on how the guy was stupid enough to get caught.

Miriam: O.k.

Vic: I never thought of that. Is that the kind of stuff you're learning on talk radio?

Dr Zibbs said...

Excellent. And I love the story of the bird swooping. it is pretty brilliant.

diane said...

Thanks zibbsy! You made my day! :)

Heather said...

church wine... yummmmmm...

Great post!

drollgirl said...

bahahah!!!! i have a very similar story! my dad was a preacher. one day my sister and i were bored, so we went up to the church to play. we found the communion cups w/grape juice and the crackers, and we slurped and scarfed it all down before putting the lids back on the communion trays. well, that night at church when they served (is that the right word?!) communion, they discovered empty cups and no crackers. my dad KNEW my sister and i had done it, and he nearly murdered us that night after we got home from church. very nearly.

diane said...

Heather: It wasn't real. We were sooooo disappointed.

Drolly: Daughter of a Preacher. hmmmm. That just put your interest level up a few points.

The Man Who Knew Too Much said...

Hahahaha, that is a great story Diane. How innocent children are, are they not. Beautiful. Too bad he gave your real names loll

As for your comment to my blog, that sounds quite dramatic. Breath on Live on, enjoy outdoors, indoors. Embrace the little things that make one happy :)

diane said...

Dennis: Speaking of dramatic, how great is the coloring of your new profile pic? Love it!

The Red Umbrella said...

Good girl. Bad girl. Good girl. Bad girl. Good bad girl. Bad good girl.
I think I get the picture. Good girl.

Jack Daniel said...

Woah, this is truly a good story. But...Baby Huey? That's a cool name. :)