Saturday, March 13, 2010
I've been doing some thinking lately. Looking back at the events of the past few years. Losses and gains. I've lost so much. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for everything and everyone that I've got. My family is my joy. I've lost a little bit of that along the way. I keep reminding myself that I'm a happy person.
Someone very, very close to me misjudged me harshly a few years ago. And then told some other people, who also don't know me at all. It's a hard thing to live with, day in and day out. I always thought that since I'm an open person, honest and well meaning, that this kind of thing would never happen. Especially not with someone that has known me all of my life. But I find myself justifying small things in my life and over-analyzing things. I never used to do that. I was much more "care free" about me, rather unconcerned. And the realization that not only have I lost this person for good, but that I never had them at all, is making me feel sad. A lifetime of love is a hard thing to surrender, over a misunderstanding. How could this have happened? How on earth is it possible to grow up with someone and not know them at all? And how can you do that when that person is already going through a very hard time in their life, and needs support? I feel betrayed in more ways than one. And the only thing I can do, is "sit" on it.
I don't expect any brilliant answers or solutions. This is something that needed to be expressed, and I actually feel a little better since I've shared it. Thank you for allowing me to do that. xo d