Saturday, March 13, 2010

The Weight


I've been doing some thinking lately. Looking back at the events of the past few years. Losses and gains. I've lost so much. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for everything and everyone that I've got. My family is my joy. I've lost a little bit of that along the way. I keep reminding myself that I'm a happy person.
Someone very, very close to me misjudged me harshly a few years ago. And then told some other people, who also don't know me at all. It's a hard thing to live with, day in and day out. I always thought that since I'm an open person, honest and well meaning, that this kind of thing would never happen. Especially not with someone that has known me all of my life. But I find myself justifying small things in my life and over-analyzing things. I never used to do that. I was much more "care free" about me, rather unconcerned. And the realization that not only have I lost this person for good, but that I never had them at all, is making me feel sad. A lifetime of love is a hard thing to surrender, over a misunderstanding. How could this have happened? How on earth is it possible to grow up with someone and not know them at all? And how can you do that when that person is already going through a very hard time in their life, and needs support? I feel betrayed in more ways than one. And the only thing I can do, is "sit" on it.
I don't expect any brilliant answers or solutions. This is something that needed to be expressed, and I actually feel a little better since I've shared it. Thank you for allowing me to do that. xo d

16 comments:

furiousBall said...

have you ever read The Four Agreements? it's quite new agey and a bit out there, but the core is very valid...

The 4 Agreements (Toltec Wisdom)
1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don't take things personally. (Do let things go)
3. Don't make assumptions. (Do give the benefit of doubt)
4. Do your best.

I struggle with #2 the most and I think you're stinging from this accusation from someone close.

Only so much you can control amiga - and thank you for sharing!

diane said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
diane said...

Van: My first response was wayyy too wordy, sorry. Thanks so much for your imput.

erin said...

It feels great to write something out, take big breaths and then hit that 'post' button.
Thanks for sharing.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Sending a great, big, virtual hug your way, Diane.
xo

Dominica said...

I guess 'a cook can't please every person that dines in his restaurant' ... I know Diane, I've tryed to please everyone in my life too but sometimes things get out of your hands and you can't control everyone and everything ; that makes me sad and furious too.
I've done some thinking and ditching when I felt that a certain person wasn't honest, betrayed me and my family and in the end you feel you've done the right thing. You sometimes think about this person, but in the end I discover that I did not miss them that much ;by that I mean 'spiritually - like food for the brain' ...
But it's always hard to have to defend yourself when you know you're real and open (like you are Diane) .. let me comfort you in a little way by saying 'it's their loss' ...
big hug XXX

marian said...

it always hurts when someone you have loved is no longer part of your life.

two quotes that are faves of mine...

If you lost a friend, they were never a friend in the first place.

and ....

people come into our lives for a reason,season or lifetime.

The quotes want take away your bruised feelings, only time perhaps will do that but perhaps that person's time in your life is up.

big hug hun and hang in there.
xoxo
marian.

diane said...

Seriously, you guys are all awesome. There are some really positive things here to think about, some I had not thought of.
Thanks so much for such constructive support instead of pity. xo d

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I'm always just a phone call away. I feel the pain in your words but I hope this will help you heal.

Some people are just f#cked up and there's nothing you can do about them. I'm sorry they misjudged you. Only idiots do that!

Hugs and love,
T

diane said...

Tracey: You rock.

Clare said...

You are such an amazing person for even sharing this with us. I wish you nothing but happiness and know that you have a whole virtual world that is here for you!

Clare said...

You are such an amazing person for even sharing this with us. I wish you nothing but happiness and know that you have a whole virtual world that is here for you!

Faux Naif said...

thank you for all your nice comments.

i'm sorry about your situation. i hope you feel better, truly.

Cait said...

You just never really know anything for sure. I have thought this ever since I was little. & I've felt like a nut for doing so..but, sometimes, I think back wondering..hmm..maybe I was smarter than I thought I was.
It can happen to old friendships. New friendships.
I recently, have found out that my very best friend isn't really my friend at all. And of course, its all my fault, for some reason. She informed me that she's a sensitive person. Yet, she can go on without being sensitive to anything about me. And well, that hurts. She can say what she feels toward me, but she can't really listen to anything I say. And I'm beginning to think it comes down to how we perceive each other and well..best to step back.

Keep loving life with a passion. You do it so well.

Ann said...

I can relate to this! I recently lost someone very dear to me because they disagreed with my way of thinking (different beliefs). She hit me with it out of the blue after 20 plus years of friendship. I was fortunate though that most of our mutual friends didn't pass judgement (operative words here -she was, I wasn't). Still, it hurt on a deep level and preoccupies my thoughts (hence this comment). I'm sorry you had to experience that kind of hurt. I see you're still as brilliant and creative as ever though and you still have impeccable taste. :)

PK said...

All I can say is the I identify with your entry, and that we have a mutual friend. You have an amazing presence here.
PK